Listen to hear how I started dancing, what I was afraid of, and how overcoming those fears changed how I move through this world on a daily basis, and taught me to love my own body. For real.
Listen to hear how I started dancing, what I was afraid of, and how overcoming those fears changed how I move through this world on a daily basis, and taught me to love my own body. For real.
Go to awakenyourinterior.com/resources to get your free printable journal and find my Listening Closely Spotify Playlist, so you can move along with me.
Hi I’m Tasha Cleaveland, welcome back to my podcast, Listening Closely. Today I am going to share with you how I started dancing, what I was afraid of, and how overcoming those fears changed how I move through this world on a daily basis and taught me to love my own body. For real.
I know how hard it can be to live in a home that doesn’t feel right. It's not your fault. You were never taught how to create a home that makes you feel alive.
The key is inside you, we just need to unlock it, and this podcast is where you begin. I’m Tasha Cleaveland, welcome to the Listening Closely podcast.
I told you yesterday how I was in hot pursuit of my feminine core, right? When I got home I sought out an embodied dance studio that was recommended by a woman I met at the event. Then I heard what was involved. Waiiiit. A pole? Ohhhhhh….ummmm. It was that inner struggle we feel as a kid. Mystery and rule breaking versus… well, what mom told you to do. But I wanted that feeling SO bad. Was this really the way there?
I had danced before. I was a ballerina from the time I could walk until I noticed boys. 10 years of training built sharp angular precision into my muscle memory. I tried to pick it back up in college, but my body was different now. Curves not lines. Lots of curves. Curves I knew didn’t belong behind a wall of mirrors. I made it to a few classes before the shame kept me away. A year before the Tony event, I started belly dancing. It was fun and a great workout and I certainly had the right shape for this one. But it was the same muscular precision. I didn’t flow, I focused. The night before a big performance my teacher said “Tasha, try not to look so serious. Don’t frown, smile.” I didn’t know how to do it all at once. I literally put scotch tape on my forehead and tried my best to smile and breathe and count. I didn’t last long after that.
What was I doing? Trying dance again? How would this be any different? I was unsure I could do any of it. The fears stacked high.
It was 3 hours round trip each week, in LA traffic.
Hundreds of dollars a month for a membership, plus clothes, shoes and accessories.
Driving home at 10 at night after a 2 hour class, already tired from life.
Motion sickness at the slightest things, how could I spin on a pole?
And that voice of perfection in my head that said “you aren’t skinny enough for this. Girl, you are going to take one look in all those mirrors and never come back.”
But I went anyway.
My desire to feel alive again was louder than my fear. I sat down on the mat my first night of class, looking around a dimly lit room full of candles and pillows and yoga mats and stainless steel poles, with regular looking women. No mirrors. Ok. My teacher asked why I was there. “I am here to find my feminine core.” She laughed. “Ok, great. Welcome.”
The lights went lower and the music started. Here we were in a circle doing what seemed like yoga but felt different. She was asking us to notice things, to feel the air and we flowed from one move to the next, to caress our arms, our calves. To admire the curve of our hip. Wait, I get to do that? I was used to shaming those hips. Ok…I can do that.
Eventually the lights came up and the pole practice began. The move she taught was simple, a firefly, and basically you fall gracefully to the floor. I did it. Didn’t even get sick. Success!
6 years later I still practice embodied movement. It was on that mat that I began to love my body again. I mean REALLY love my body. Not the- go get a massage “self love” bull-shirt. But “love my body” as in, I can’t stop touching my belly while I swirl my hips in a bridge during class. This sweet soft center that I have spent so much of my life shaming, and so innocently just wants to be loved. Or noticing the light as it grazes across my waist and saying “wow. That is beautiful.” Or catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and appreciating how my curls showed up that day. Tiny little things that I never would have noticed before, or maybe I did and that voice of Miss Perfect in my head was louder, telling me - “not good enough!” Have you heard her too?
Because I began to listen, my body kept talking. It was clear when I felt nurtured in a space and when I was not. And so, I listened more closely. I listened, when my hand touched a shirt in a store, if I should even pick it up and try it on. I listened, when I sat down in a chair if this pretty thing was more than just looks, but if it was serving my body in the way it needed to be served. If when I moved through a space, it allowed me to flow through it, or if I had to fit into the spaces left over.
Do you know what that is like? Feeling like you don’t get to take up space, you just get to fit into what everyone else leaves behind?
So now I linger when I hear the call, pausing, tracing, embodying, before moving on with my day. When my body begs to move, I let it lead. I get up and stretch and follow the pleasure even if it’s only for 30 seconds. I select clothing and furnishings that make me feel deliciously nurtured every single moment. I stop when my body says “no”. I take the time to go back and grab the other sweater, because my body whispered “wait, not this one” as I’m heading out the door. Because now I know that my body is my greatest teacher, if I only listen.
What would change in your life if you started listening to your own body? What would it feel like to pause whenever, wherever, because your body said so, instead of only collapsing into bed at the end of the day? I want you to know what that feels like too.
Last night’s reflection:
Gratitude: I got a Roomba for my birthday. And there’s a whole lot of gratitude in just that right there. Wow. Not just for an amazing gift, but because my brother and his girlfriend asked me what I wanted. Insisted I think about it and really pick something important to me. We got one when our oldest was born, 16 years ago. And… it was pointless. It feels surreal, to be at a point in my life where I can push a button and instead of the thing bouncing around the house and running into toys and kid stuff, never actually getting anything done, everything was up off the floor, put away, and the cute little thing went all over the place while I did something else. So much gratitude, in all of that.
I want you to know that the landmines of kid clutter won’t always be there. And it’s totally ok if you are right in the thick of it. Take a deep breath. I promise, you will get there too.
The song for today is:
“Wilderness”, by Jon Bryant
I love the gentle softness of his voice. The whisper to come out and be safe with him. For me, its impossible to linger if I don’t feel safe.
Movement focus: lingering
Soulwork for today:
See if you can hear your body’s call today. It doesn’t matter where or how you hear it. Pay close attention to how your body responds to fabric because it’s one of the easiest to notice. Sunlight is another one of my favorites. Noticing the shimmer or sparkle on something and pausing for a moment to take it in.
Until tomorrow. Lots of love.