Most of us struggle with an inner battle. The fear of being seen, and the deeper one, of being invisible and forgotten.
Most of us struggle with an inner battle. The fear of being seen, and the deeper one, of being invisible and forgotten. Often clients come to me, with a superficial need of help with their home, but a deeper need of self acceptance. They want me to tell them that what they love is ok. That it passes inspection. But they are really asking is are they are ok. That they are enough. Today let’s look at that delicate dance between over-exposure and invisibility.
Resources for those in need of expert assistance with depression, unhealthy eating, and trauma:
Online Therapy: Talkspace.com Betterhelp.com
Books: "What happened to you?" Oprah Winfrey and Dr Bruce Perry
Documentary: "The Wisdom of Trauma" Gabor Mate
This list is not exhaustive. I will continue to add resources as I find them.
Most of us struggle with an inner battle. The fear of being seen, and the deeper one, of being invisible and forgotten. Often clients come to me, with a superficial need of help with their home, but a deeper need of self acceptance. They want me to tell them that what they love is ok. That it passes inspection. But they are really asking is are they are ok. That they are enough. Today let’s look at that delicate dance between over-exposure and invisibility.
I know how hard it can be to live in a home that doesn’t feel right. It's not your fault. You were never taught how to create a home that makes you feel alive. The key is inside you, we just need to unlock it, and this podcast is where you begin. I’m Tasha Cleaveland, welcome to the Listening Closely podcast.
Have you ever had a cheerleader? A person who didn’t have to believe in you, they weren’t obligated to by blood or marriage, and so their words made you stop in your tracks, turn your head, and hear it. That person who saw your sparkle and said it was worthy of being seen. And for a glimmer of a moment you believed it too. You saw yourself through their eyes. And their gaze was like lightning to your soul.
My family has always believed in me, but there is something uniquely magical about someone on the outside, seeing inside of you.
You know when kids go “look what I can do!” And they show off their new trick? It’s the “look at me!”…our innocence shouting out, begging to know we are “enough”. Eventually we start to question it. “Am I enough?” Our brains get in the way. “Does my stomach roll too much when I sit like that?” “Am I really good at this or are people just being nice?” We become afraid someone will confirm our worst fears. We are afraid our “not good enough” is showing. So we hide.
At the end of this podcast, I will be giving your “Soulwork” assignment. If you haven’t been making it to the end of my podcasts, please go back and get your assignments! I know it can be hard to do anything in one sitting, I get it. But that part is specifically for YOU, to help you take a step toward your awakening. That’s the part where you show up for yourself.
In dance class we often talk about this balance. Our bodies so desperately want to be seen and heard and most of us are so deeply afraid of being so vulnerable. Like walking a tight rope. We practice bridging this gap with our hair over our eyes, hoodies, shawls and blankets. Somehow it works. When our eyes are covered we behave more confidently. My body is often shy. In front of a new class or at a performance I usually start cloaked in some fashion. My body has to feel the space, to know that it is safe. And so I move, undercover, for myself. Sinking in. Grounding my body in the textures of the fabrics, the temperatures on my skin, and the intoxicating contrast of a slow reveal, letting the shawl slide slowly off my face, inch by inch, breathing deeper and deeper as the light and cold air, hits my cheek, my lips, my lids. Feeling the rush and knowing I am no longer in hiding. Feeling my truth and vulnerability and standing strong in it.
In life it is a bit harder to walk that line. We get shamed for being to large or too small. Showing too much skin, or not enough. For wanting to be seen, or not wanting to. This whole quarantine thing has put a new spin on it. Many people who are introverts, like me, love the quiet solitude. The space and freedom to turn within. For those who get charged up on being social, it’s a never ending punishment. A constant quest to be let out of the cage. And so now, one year into this, some are desperate to be seen, and others… just terrified. There is shaming because you want to leave the house, or because you don’t. Re-entry into society brings a whole storm of expectations. Im told we have to stop wearing elastic pants at some point. My body does not agree with this concept.
Eventually we will find our way back out there. Friends will gather again at our homes. Moms groups, play dates, actual dates. All of these things put a spotlight on how we show up in this world and make us question if we are good enough. If we still fit society’s expectations of body size, motherhood magic, multitasking efficiency, iced off with a Pinterest worthy home. Do we still fit into the boxes we have been told to fit into? I know I don’t. How about you?
I have been nesting at home. Feeling my way through my spaces even more than before. A lot of us have been. Home organizing is in the top 5 list of quarantine hobbies. Life has become a rather intense place in the last year, for a number of reasons. That’s why focusing on our homes is therapeutic. It’s something we can control. Maybe we can’t control anything else in our lives but we can clean a shelf. We can tidy our desk. We can purge our closets. In a world of “can’t,” at home… we can. But is my body ready for re-entry into society? Hard no. The stuff is easy. The emotions… are harder. And I for one, have been eating my emotions. Yes. I know. Not good. And I just haven’t cared. The thought of even getting on the treadmill to exercise is beyond what I have been able to comprehend for months. Family life stress of 3 kids at home (including one high-needs), managing work at home, piled on top of racial injustice, on top of COVID chaos… waking up each morning was all I could focus on. The weight gain was bad enough. 30 pounds of emotional armor is hard to sit with. I can’t miss that. Nothing fits but spandex. Practicing that self love, for my new shape, isn’t easy. But I’m not gonna shame myself for being where I am. I’m not gonna throw one more thing onto the cart I am trying to push up the mountain. I have recently realized my tolerance for stress is less that it was before quarantine. The “stress threshold” as it is called, can be effected by many things. Right now, it’s my life. Arguing with my kids to turn on their class cameras, do their homework, brush their teeth, shower on a regular basis, stop fighting with siblings… if you have a kid at home, you get it. But it’s all affecting my ability to rebound from the bigger arguments. From someone being snarky with me, at work or at home. I’m struggling to keep all the balls in the air. It impacts my focus and ability to breathe normally. And I know it. And I feel paralyzed by it. Because I am just trying to get through each day right now. How about you?
Wanna know what google says is the treatment for this fun stress threshold thing? Mindfullness practices. Yeah, like my journal. The one I have been neglecting. The time for movement, that I have been neglecting. Me… that I have been neglecting. But no one is saving a spot in line for me. I have to show up for myself. And you can only ignore it till it slaps you in the face. I ignored it until I got on my husband’s new electronic scale this week and it told me my metabolic age was 6 years older than my actual age…. Whaaaat?! This is a thing?! It’s bad enough to see a number Im struggling with on the scale, and I already have to worry about frown lines, I didn’t know my insides had a time stamp too. UGH. I felt like a little kid stomping their feet. FINE. Ok. I will find my emotional lasso and rein this sucker in. I will stop organizing everything and sit in the tornado of my emotions. I will listen closely.
One emotion I was struggling with, was losing my cheerleader. It’s hard to explain how powerful that is. Having one. It’s harder to lose them. Because you get used to being seen. You get used to someone telling you how forking unbelievable you are. How you can do anything. They roll it off their tongue with such certainty. The kind we rarely, truly have about ourselves. And when someone tells you it often enough, like that… you start to believe them. You start to believe that you have a gift. That you were meant to share it with the world. You feel their brightness and it starts to light you up inside. You start to see what they see. And feeling seen in your truth… well… Its magical. It’s as if you have been in the dark for so long, and suddenly someone turns on a light and you can find your way. But when the light is gone, not only do you struggle to find your way, and feel lost and alone, but now, you know what it was like, not to.
Ana started as a client, but she became family. Her kids became family. And she became one of my closest friends. She would talk about what I had done for her like it was some kind of miracle. To have something she had never experienced before. To know what it was like to feel “at home.” To me, interior design is a game. A puzzle to solve. A style recipe to uncover. Like an archeologist figures out where to dig, and then gently sweeps away the soil, the pieces emerge and they tell the story. The story of you. That’s what I had done. I helped her tell her story. I helped her uncover her joy.
Her belief in me, in what I could do for people, was unshakeable. To have someone as powerful and successful as she was, someone who had created an empire from nothing, see this in me and say “you must get this out into the world”, as if I was depriving people by not doing so…well it’s impossible to argue with her. So I spent my quarantine trying to juggle 2020 in all it’s glory, with an unrelenting fire to find a way to help people stuck at home, to find their joy. To make their lives better, right now. And she was constantly propelling me forward. Like rocket fuel. That’s the magic of a cheerleader.
And then… her entire family was deported without warning. Just like that, she was gone. In the blink of an eye, I lost family, someone I called a sister, and my rocket fuel. She had so much to deal with, there was no way I could ask anything of her. And so… darkness.
All of us, are doing the best we can, in this very moment. We have to believe in that. My best might not be your best, might not be someone else’s best. But hold faith in that. Hold faith that as we crawl out of our own darkness and step into the light, that love and compassion can and will surround us. That those boxes we once crammed ourselves into, because it was what was expected of us, or maybe what we expected of ourselves, might not be our boxes anymore. Maybe through this whole experience we are all just fumbling our way in the dark, hoping that someone will turn on a light.
Today I would like to offer you a light, if you would like it. But it will mean you have to show up for yourself, and actually do it. No matter how funny it sounds. Are you willing, to do that, for yourself?
We will be doing something together, right now, and your “soulwork” assignment will also be at the end of this podcast.
Take a moment with me, and find a mirror. As you do, download this episode and note this podcast spot for easy reference. Whenever you feel like you need a cheerleader, play this. Look into the mirror and hear my voice. And yes, I know. Looking at ourselves can be really hard. And silly. So laugh if you gotta. Cry if you gotta. But when I was gifted this by someone else, and I let go of my resistance, I found it remarkably powerful. So what do you have to lose?
Find a comfortable sitting position in a space where you can be alone. Even if that means locking the bathroom door or hiding in a closet, like me. Whatever you gotta do.
Start by closing your eyes and breathing deeply. Let’s do a few box breaths to start. Counts of 4. Inhale for 1, 2, 3, 4. Hold for 1, 2, 3, 4. Exhale for 1,2,3,4. Hold for 1,2,3,4. One more time. Inhale for 1, 2, 3, 4. Hold for 1, 2, 3, 4. Exhale for 1,2,3,4. Hold for 1,2,3,4.
Now let your breathing flow naturally and slowly rest your gaze in the mirror on your own eyes. If you catch yourself criticizing or analyzing your eyes or face, take a deep breath, and look into your irises. This isn’t about your appearance, this is about your soul. What do you see now?
What life stories do these eyes hold? Can you see them?
Can you see the weariness? The struggles.
Do you see the joys?
What lights your soul up?
What makes you smile?
When was the last time you laughed, really deeply, tears streaming down, can’t catch your breath, laughed? Can you feel it?
When was the last time you cried? Take a deep breath. Yeah, I feel that too. You aren’t alone.
Look deeper.
What do these eyes love?
Who, do they love?
Who has this soul lost?
Keep looking.
What do you crave?
What does your soul want more than anything?
Breathe into it. Feel it.
What makes you feel alive? Do you see it in your eyes?
Breathe.
Do you see the beauty in these eyes? I do. Look again.
Can you see the child inside? The one with so much innocence and joy, that it is impossible not to want to pick them up and squeeze them tight? Can you see that child’s eyes? Send them love. All the love that that child desired. See the beauty in that child.
Breathe.
I see your beauty. I see your love. I see your pain. I see your struggle. I see your joy. I see your magnificence. You are a gift to this world.
Gaze into these eyes with love. With compassion. Knowing that you are doing everything you can, right now, to be the best version of you. Can you see it in your eyes? Rest one hand on your heart and one on your stomach. Breathe love in, feeling it move through your hand and circle through your belly. And breathe out everything that is holding you back. Breathe in love, breathe out what is no longer serving you.
You are a gift to this world. I see you. I hear you. I feel you. Do not hide your light in darkness. Shine so bright that together, we can light up the world. Keep going. You, are doing great. I believe in you.
My journal reflection:
Moment of joy:
I have been feeling like I was alone, hiding here in my closet, just talking to myself. That what I was doing didn’t matter. And then I found my podcast statistics. And I saw a map of the world, covered in glowing yellow dots. Hundreds of dots. And I realized that we already were doing it. Lighting up the world. And geez. I can’t help but cry when I see that.
Thank you for listening. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone. Thank you for reminding me to keep going. You were my moment of joy.
It’s time to move! Grab your other device to play today’s movement song.
Find it, and all our movement songs on my Spotify playlist, at awakenyourinterior.com/resources
Today when we move, be gentle with your body. Play with different types of touch and find the ones your body craves. Is it gently stroking your skin with the lightest tips of your fingers? Firmly hugging your shoulders. A hand at the back of your neck or warmly on your heart? Let your hands wander in loving touch. In empowering touch. In grounding touch. What are those to you? Explore. As always, I will let you know what I am doing, incase you need a little guidance. But follow your own body if it is telling you something different.
Your Soulwork for today:
Journal your experience with the self eye gazing. It can be gut journaling just single words, emotions, sensations, or full sentences. Let it flow. Just notice how you felt. The spots that were easier, and the ones that were harder. For me, I have a much easier time loving myself when I see myself as a child. I didn’t know that until I had done it. So congrats for doing something silly with me. I hope you had some ah-ha moments to drop into your journal. If you don’t have your journal yet, go get it at awakenyourinterior.com/resources and download it for free.
I covered a lot of heavy topics today and I don’t take them lightly. If you are struggling with unhealthy eating, depression, or trauma, that movement, breath, mindfulness and journalling just aren’t relieving, please reach out to an expert. I will drop some resources in the notes and continue to add more as I find them. As Brene Brown says, “You don’t have to do it alone. We were never meant to.”
Thank you so much for spending time with me today. I know how hard it is when it seems like there isn’t any to spare. But you showed up today. You put yourself on the list and I celebrate you. As you move through your day, keep your soul work assignment in mind and before starting bedtime routine, while the kids are brushing their teeth, grab your journal and fill in the prompts. Keep going. You can do this.
Know another mom who needs to put themselves on the list too? Please share the love, because we are stronger together.
Until tomorrow. Lots of love.
Tasha