Everything in our homes carries a weight. It might be the cost, or the physical space, or the maintenance, but if we aren’t listening closely, this weight can drag us down. Sometimes, it pulls us down so far, that we can’t even feel it anymore. We lose our bearings. We get numb to what is and what isn’t making us happy. Today, lets talk about how to know if you have gotten lost in the deep end, and how to set yourself free.
Everything in our homes carries a weight. It might be the cost, or the physical space, or the maintenance, but if we aren’t listening closely, this weight can drag us down. Sometimes, it pulls us down so far, that we can’t even feel it anymore. We lose our bearings. We get numb to what is and what isn’t making us happy. Today, lets talk about how to know if you have gotten lost in the deep end, and how to set yourself free.
Visit awakenyourinterior.com/resources for the Spotify Playlist containing the movement song for today. It's also where you can download your own copy of my FREE Listening Closely journal.
Everything in our homes carries a weight. It might be the cost, or the physical space, or the maintenance, but if we aren’t listening closely, this weight can drag us down. Sometimes, it pulls us down so far, that we can’t even feel it anymore. We lose our bearings. We get numb to what is and what isn’t making us happy. I am Tasha Cleaveland, welcome back to my podcast. Today, lets talk about how to know if you have gotten lost in the deep end, and how to set yourself free.
I know how hard it can be to live in a home that doesn’t feel right. It's not your fault. You were never taught how to create a home that makes you feel alive. The key is inside you, we just need to unlock it, and this podcast is where you begin. I’m Tasha Cleaveland, welcome to the Listening Closely podcast.
People don’t believe me. I mean it’s so simple really. Let go. But why can’t we? We keep seeking something “out there” a power, a magic beyond us. The truth is, it’s hiding inside you. Stop looking. Start feeling. Start listening, closely.
A few years ago in dance class we had an assignment about feeling restricted. We could wear anything that limited our movement, like tight jeans, but I had just gotten this beautiful red corset with black lacing in back, and I chose to wear that. I remember when I started moving being really pissed off. I couldn’t swirl my hips or roll like usual. I couldn’t do anything like usual. No climbing to the top of the pole and letting go with my hands, to feel the freedom of falling back and hanging on with my legs. I could barely climb. Imagine spending years focused on fluid body movement and suddenly you can’t bend, at all. But, what is great about not being able to do what you normally do… is you have to find another way to your joy. At one point I made it to the floor and was stretching out in a cat-cow movement… and my heel got caught in the loops of my corset back. I pulled my foot, it pulled my corset… back and forth… it was magic. The fire I could create with the slow push and pull… was intoxicating. When you dance, you are always seeking the stillness inside. It’s a moving meditation. Quiet the internal chatter. Find the spaces where everything stops and expands at the same time. The better you get, the longer those moments last. I had found a doorway to my space.
My amazing teacher, Ronda, said not to take it off. Every dance, in that. 6 months passed. I learned to push against the corset. To feel my edges. My body needed the fight, to feel that something could contain me and push back. I pulled against ropes, intentionally catching my heel, leg or arm, and feeling the burn of the muscle exertion. Slow, pushups against floors and walls. The fire would spread through my body. Each push or pull like an exhale, each surrender, an inhale. I couldn’t get enough.
Then one day at an immersive retreat, my instructor, Lyn, saw something new, and said to take it off. I was confused. I loved where I was. I loved the fight. I loved the bad-assery of black leather and spiked stiletto boots. My ego wasn't ready to let it go.
But I trusted her. I danced and moved as slowly as humanly possible looking again for the fire OUTSIDE of me. And suddenly the resistance and fire I thought was coming from outside, was coming from inside. I had been giving credit to the things, the strings and walls and floor, when really, it was me. When I let go of the things and turned within, I found I could create the fire with the tiniest, slowest, movements. I didn’t need anything, but me. I didn’t need to look anywhere, but inside. The power I was searching for, was inside of me, all along.
My client, Lana, was struggling with feeling overwhelmed with life. She couldn’t find beauty in anything. She complained about pretty much everything. Nothing brought her joy. One day she asked me how she could find it. We had worked on a lot of things and made minimal progress, but this time I heard her ready to really change something. We had been working on the inside, hoping it would change the outside, I thought if I changed her mindset, she would be inspired to change her home… but this time, I thought maybe she needed to work from the outside, in. I suggested she start with her closet. I am a big believer in the simplicity of Konmari. I told her to start by taking everything out of her closet, pile it up, and one by one, pick them up and let your body tell you if they bring you joy. It seems so simple. And yet, I believe it is one of the easiest ways to start hearing your own body again. Touch is so powerful. Does your body like the feel of the clothes? Does it feel good to wear it? Does it make you happy and confident when you do? If not, let it go. It’s that simple. When all you are left with is what brings you joy, you would be amazed at what happens. It truly is magic.
Lana didn’t believe me and I figured it would be another failed attempt. She was on a very limited income and getting anything in the first place was a challenge. She struggled with many things, no transportation or washing machine, limited space and furnishings, but also the struggle you can’t see, painful memories of her belongings being taken as a child, and more recently, having to give everything up to move into this tiny place. This was a big deal for her. She had a lot of emotional baggage tied to her possessions. So much worthiness buried there. But the seed was planted. She would ask questions as she was processing the concept of the closet. “Do I really get rid of these leather shoes? They are so expensive, but they don’t fit. They just aren’t me.” I would tell her to let it go to someone else who it will bring joy to, and hold the space for something new.
Then one day, she messaged me… “IT happened!” With a billion exclaimation points. She cleaned her closet out, and let go of what wasn’t serving her. And all of a sudden things she really needed and loved, showed up. The right shoes, the right clothes, the ones that made her feel beautiful and worthy. She couldn’t believe her luck. But that is how joy spills out. When it’s all you see, the world starts to look a little brighter. Her apartment was no longer a torture to be in. She said “odd as it seems, the room has taken on an air of acceptability. Nothing like a magazine… but each area has taken on a unique personality. And since everything has its place, it makes it easier to tidy up!” To someone buried by so much, a light at the end of the tunnel is everything. Instead only tears and dread which is what I heard for so long, her voice and messages were exuberant. After that I got a daily message, of shock and awe, and a report of what new item showed up that brought her joy, what new thing she had done to improve her home. Things she now valued enough to repair and organize, things she finally felt she was worthy enough to have. Today she was so excited about it, she said she wanted to do her closet all over again, and be even more precise because now she can really feel it.
It’s hard to let go when you don’t have much. But… something magical happens when you do. When you start to let go, you can actually feel the weight of what you were carrying for so long. And the space that was occupied by, what wasn’t your joy, leaves a space for something new to come in. Something better. And when your joy does show up, you can feel it instantly and say “YES!” Because you know how it felt when you settled for what wasn’t meant for you. You know how heavy it can feel to hold on to things that carry more emotional baggage than joy. But ya gotta let go to get there. You gotta believe that your joy, is worth it. That you are worth it.
If you are willing, play along with me for a moment. Grab a piece of scrap paper and crumple it into a tight ball. Hold it in one fist, squeezing as hard as you can. Hold for a count of… 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Slowly stop squeezing and gently release your grip. What do you feel? A fire? A burn? Does it hurt to let go? Do you feel desire, pain and relief swirling through you?
It is hard to let go. But sometimes the pain we are feeling, is a result of hanging on too tightly to what was never meant to be held onto. Maybe what you are longing for, is waiting, for you to let go, and have space for it, to find you.
Aaron was piecing together his apartment. He had lots of heirlooms. So many that his own style was invisible in the space. I identified some of the things that he had picked out on his own, and saw the patterns. Sleek and minimal. A repetition of fluting on legs and lamps. He was an engineer and geologist. I understood his brain likes order. Repetition. Function. Necessity. Earth-borne elements. The detail on his other pieces were an overwhelm… but he couldn’t feel that yet. He was still numb. Still buried by the weight of feeling like he had to hang on to things because they were quality, valuable, heirloom pieces. His family didn’t let go of things easily. So his programming was “don’t change it, or get rid of it, unless it’s broken and unfixable”. The thought of even wanting to, was riddled with guilt and worthiness. He was frozen. Inside and out.
He messaged me today as we were finalizing his family room space. “I am so used to packing rooms with furniture and stuff. This has been a huge transition to this open, functional space. I love it so much! My body feels relaxed. Peaceful. It was a slow transition to wanting to be ready for this. It feels so good! Thank you for all your help.”
Once in a dark moment, someone shared this poem by Rainer Maria Rilke, with me. I hope it brings you a new perspective too.
“Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.”
I want you know know that YOU are worth the effort. You are worth the investment in time, energy, cost, and self love. You are worth believing you can have a home in alignment with your joy. It is not selfish. It is not ungrateful. It has nothing to do with what you know or what you can spend. It is your right to chase, and find your joy. Dare I say, even your purpose. Your purpose to find it. To feel it. To feel alive.
You have to believe, that the power you seek, has been inside of you, all along. Are you ready to feel it?
My journal reflection:
Best moment: I have been dancing virtually with some of my classmates each week since quarantine. One thing that always fascinates me is that the songs I think my body wants to dance to, often are not the ones my body melts into. So we were dancing and up popped “Prom Queen” and my body just lit up. I have been in a deep depression since Christmas and my brain said “sad songs” but apparently, my body wanted to be rebellious and aloof. Emotions I rarely experience. Oh… hello there, disowned pieces of me. Nice to see you floating up to the surface.
It’s time to move! Grab your other device to play today’s movement song.
And, well, I can’t leave you hanging like that! Let’s move to “Prom Queen” by Molly Kate Kestner, and maybe you can find some lost pieces of your bad-ash self, too. Find this and all the songs I mention in my podcast on my Spotify playlist, at awakenyourinterior.com/resources.
Today when we move, I want to focus on finding the fire in your muscles. Breathing through it all. It could be silky slow push ups, a plow that you roll down one vertebrae at a time, back onto the ground and your abs quake, the slowest squat into a stand that takes half of the song to get there. Find your burn. Make it as slow as you can. Chase that burn. And then, let go. What do you find in the spaces of surrender? How is your breath, what do you feel in your body and where?
Your Soulwork for today:
Let’s work on that bliss list again. Walk through your home and find 5 more things that bring you joy. 3 small, like a knob or a glimmer of light, 2 large, like a cozy chair, the view out the window or a special box.
Next, let’s look at them a little closer. Can you identify what you feel called to in these items? If it’s the color, how does it make you feel? If it’s the light, what does that do to you, when you see it? Get specific.
-Find the item.
-Identify the call to your body.
-Identify the emotion it causes in your body.
Thank you so much for spending time with me today. I know how hard it is when it seems like there isn’t any to spare. But you showed up today. You put yourself on the list and I celebrate you. As you move through your day, keep your soul work assignment in mind and before starting bedtime routine, while the kids are brushing their teeth, grab your journal and fill in the prompts. Keep going. You can do this.
Know another mom who needs to put themselves on the list too? Please share the love, because we are stronger together.
Until tomorrow. Lots of love.
Tasha