Sometimes when loved ones pass away we can feel stuck. We have a hard time separating their stuff, from them and we mistakenly cling to all of it, impacting our lives in negative ways. Let’s talk about what you can do to get unstuck.
Sometimes when loved ones pass away we can feel stuck. We have a hard time separating their stuff, from them and we mistakenly cling to all of it, impacting our lives in negative ways. Let’s talk about what you can do to get unstuck.
Visit awakenyourinterior.com/resources to download my FREE printable body-led journal and find my Spotify playlist of all the movement songs I share during this podcast. Start listening closely to your body.
Podcast INTRO:
Hi, welcome back to my podcast, I am Tasha Cleaveland. Sometimes when loved ones pass away we can feel stuck. We have a hard time separating their stuff, from them and we mistakingly cling to all of it, impacting our lives in negative ways. Let’s talk about what you can do to get unstuck.
I know how hard it can be to live in a home that doesn’t feel right. It's not your fault. You were never taught how to create a home that makes you feel alive. The key is inside you, we just need to unlock it, and this podcast is where you begin. I’m Tasha Cleaveland, welcome to the Listening Closely podcast.
I am not a stranger to the loss of a loved one, and unhealthy attachments to their belongings. Do you remember the first time a loved one passed when you were growing up? What happened to their stuff? Did it get absorbed into your childhood home? Did it all get spread out on tables as strangers picked through what was sacred to someone you loved? Did it all just disappear? This topic is hard, but it is important. Because what we do, sets our kids up for healthy or unhealthy attachments to things. I always think of the book “Joy Luck Club” and the line about the people in a family being stairs. “Going up, going down, but always going the same way.” It’s up to us, to set the example and change that. Not we owe it to ourselves and our future generations.
When I was in high school, my grandfather died. I remember when his furniture came to our house and squeezed its way into any available nook and cranny. His entire closet of suits came too. They were hung along a pole in my mother’s sewing room. I imagine she was going to tailor them to fit my dad. But my mom was notorious for saying she could do a sewing project… and never finding the time. Know what that’s like? I have a sewing basket that routinely gets filled with things and by the time I get around to it, the kids are 3 sizes too big. The mom to-do list is like a wish list for Santa Claus. A mile long, and totally unrealistic. So here was this sewing room, partially functional, with a wall of suits, hanging there… like an echo. I can’t imagine how hard it was for my father to walk in and see that.
We have talked about the ghosts that haunt you in your home in a symbolic way, well this one is a bit more literal. This is the Ghost of Loss and Emptiness. The one that makes us cling to things as if we can fill that black hole inside. The one that makes us not touch, not move, not change. Those suits hung there for years. Eventually my dad started wearing them, even though they didn’t fit. My dad worked really, really hard, and he deserved to look like a million bucks, and he could have bought a whole new closet of suits. But instead he chose to wear these. The thing about clothes is they hold your loved one’s essence so strongly. It feels like you are letting go of that person. And when you don’t want to let go, well, making that choice feels impossible.
About 11 years ago my grandma died. My youngest wasn’t walking yet. Losing the matriarch of the family is really hard. She was the historian too. She had all the answers for who and how. Like a motherhood encyclopedia. She had that deep wisdom that 96 years of life teaches you. I watched as all her belongings merged into my parent’s house once again. Tables got filled with knick-nacks and we each looked before boxing up, and giving away what was left. The unfulfilled dreams are always the hardest for me. My grandma had all these fancy clothes, gloves and shawls and cool hats. I never saw this version of her, this life before kids. But I know she didn’t meticulously put them all away knowing it would be the last time. She dreamed of living so large. I was the only girl, and so, I got all her collections. The plates and dolls and finery. But I didn’t know what to do with them. I wasn’t her size, and as a mom of 3 kids under 6, nowhere to wear any of it anyway. No parties to host with the china. Her home decor wasn’t my style, but I couldn’t let any of it go. I couldn’t let her slip away.
9 months later, my mom passed away. I was still reeling from my grandma. And, well, this knocked me on my butt. Post partum depression was still going strong, fueled by loss and loneliness. And I was already frozen. I remember when my husband told me my mom had died, I had just come home from making foam pumpkins with the kids and buying a scrapbook. I set that book on the ground and didn’t touch it for a year. There was some part of me that believed there was a window to that moment, the “before” moment, that I could slip through. Like a hole in space and time, and if I moved that book, I would lose it forever. I wanted to hold her hand one last time. One last hug. One last anything. I was afraid I would lose my chance to be with her, forever. I knew better, but something deep inside couldn’t believe it. The home she shared with my dad became like a museum. But despite being surrounded by her things, I couldn’t find her. I remember going to their house, opening her closet and burying my face in her clothes. They smelled just like her. If I closed my eyes, it almost felt as if I was hugging her. It was the only trace of her energy I could still find. Letting go of her stuff, was unbearable. The loneliness I felt before, was now suffocating. I was so lost. Navigating the early years of motherhood, without a female relative to help shine light and guide the way. I needed to hear I would make it through. Things would get easier. To tell me I wasn’t alone. I clung to her things, incorporating them into my home, but instead of being reminders of the good times, they reminded me of how different I was than her. How I never learned to cook or sew like her. They shifted from the Ghost of Loss to the Ghost of Failure.
Loss is so hard. But what I learned from Marie Kondo is that all these things that we are surrounded by, hold not only a physical value, but an emotional one too. The problem lies in not being able to distinguish the two. So when we pick up these items and really, look at them, separate out why we feel so attached to them, and look at the cost, emotions and stories, we can begin to separate the people and memories, from the things. We can begin to listen to our bodies and notice when this object is truly bringing us joy, or if it is holding us back. Finally I was able to distinguish that. But I had to trust my body to tell me. I had to let go of holding on so tightly, so I could feel my way there, and find my joy and good memories, within all of her things.
Marsha was a client who’s husband had passed away from cancer. She was finally in a place where she could feel that her stuff was keeping her trapped in the painful memories, instead of celebrating the good ones. She was afraid to change things as a homage to him, but she was also tormented by the struggle tied to the things. When she started letting go, and separating the memories from the objects, she began to feel lighter. She was able to hold on to the things that brought her joy, instead of every single thing simply because he touched it. Our loved ones do not want us to be the curators of their museum. They want us to find our happiness! To keep going. To keep living. For the first time in 2 years, Marsha was able to move through her spaces looking forward to her day, reminded of the good memories.
Some people have a different problem. Instead of absorbing it, they go out seeking it. The Ghost of Emptiness makes us fill our spaces because the silence is unbearable. Feeling the echo of the hollow room, the air surrounding our skin, the lack of. The emptiness we see around us makes us feel even emptier inside. It becomes deafening. So we fill, and fill, until there isn’t a nook left to fill. This can make some people feel safe, protected and prepared. The deafening silence is replaced by clutter’s chatter. And what you are left with is trying to move through spaces that aren’t serving you. Organized disorder. You know its there… somewhere… it will only take you an hour or three to find it. The prepared part might have a slight delay.
Sometimes these two pieces go hand in hand. We fill as a result of the loss, so we can’t feel the void. This is a slippery slope. That hole inside can never be filled by stuff. It’s why retail therapy is only a temporary fix. When the high wears off, you are still left with yourself. And you can’t run away from that.
But you have a choice. Instead of trying to bury your feelings, and detach further and further from your inner compass, you can choose to take a deep breath, and listen. Your body will tell you what to do, if you stop long enough to hear its whisper. It will tell you what to keep, and what to let go of.
When we surround ourselves with the things that bring us joy, and light us up from the inside, it changes how we live our lives. We are no longer tied down by these constant reminders of pain. We free ourselves from the past and can live awakened in a space that nourishes us.
My journal reflection:
Best moment:
I am not sure why seeing a woman in heels and a dress with power tools is so shocking. I can rock all the parts of me! I was installing a digital deadbolt and I had an audience of 3 older men behind me watching. Then all of a sudden a woman pulled up to the stop sign I was next to, and shouted out the window “I love ALL of this. Yes. Just yes.” I popped a heel and did a little curtsy and said thanks, laughing with her. I remember one time I looked down in my car and saw the beautiful contrast of my tool box next to a bouquet of flowers for an event I was about to style. My dad taught me I could do anything if I set my mind to it. If I were to let society’s gender roles tell me who I am, or what I could do, I would have missed all the great things that make me, me. And I love my contrast.
It’s time to move! Grab your other device to play today’s movement song.
“Constellations” by Ellie Holcolmb
Find this and all the songs I mention in this podcast on my Spotify, Listening Closely, playlist. Get the link at awakenyourinterior.com/resources It’s also where you can download your own printable body-led journal.
A lot of times we think “I need someone to love me, to touch me just how I need to be touched. To appreciate my body”. You know what? The person who is perfectly suited to that, is YOU. No one can love your body the way you can. So, today we are going to practice loving touch. We are going to focus on touching our upper body during this song, and exploring what kind of touch is desired, and where. Play with the variations, try skimming your fingertips, and grazing your fingernails, squeezing firmly, and hugging tightly with your palms. Go slowly! Give your body time to feel it, and respond, and for you to get that feedback. Kind of like if you eat fast, you won’t notice when you are full because you didn’t give your body a chance to send the signal to your brain. Same deal. Give your body time. Keep in mind that each part of your body, upper arms, inner elbow, outer elbow, forearms… they are all going to like a different kind of touch. Simply explore and notice what you like and where. If you find a spot that calls you to linger, do so. Notice what is asking to be loved.
Your Soulwork for today:
Take a moment to write down what you noticed during movement. Where did you linger? What did you notice there? I often linger at my neck and belly. They feel vulnerable. But my jaw likes to be held firmly, cradled with my palm. My belly, it likes being hugged.
Ok, your turn. What did you notice?
Thank you so much for spending time with me today. I know how hard it is when it seems like there isn’t any to spare. But you showed up today. You put yourself on the list and I celebrate you. As you move through your day, keep your soul work assignment in mind and before starting bedtime routine, while the kids are brushing their teeth, grab your journal and fill in the prompts. Keep going. You can do this.
Know another mom who needs to put themselves on the list too? Please share the love, because we are stronger together.
Until tomorrow. Lots of love.
Tasha