We talked about the Ghost of Failure, and that one is a doozy. But there’s another one, and she’s a beast. Find out if she haunts you, too.
We talked about the Ghost of Failure, and that one is a doozy. But there’s another one, and she’s a beast. Find out if she haunts you, too.
Go to awakenyourinterior.com/resources to find my Spotify Listening Closely Playlist and download your own printable Listening Closely journal.
We talked about the Ghost of Failure, and that one is a doozy. But there’s another one, and she’s a beast. Find out if she haunts you, too.
I know how hard it can be to live in a home that doesn’t feel right. It's not your fault. You were never taught how to create a home that makes you feel alive. The key is inside you, we just need to unlock it, and this podcast is where you begin. I’m Tasha Cleaveland, welcome to the Listening Closely podcast.
The Ghost of Comparison is ferocious. She lurks in every corner. Every visit to another house and every time someone visits yours. You can hear her voice whispering over your shoulder,
-“Jennaye is coming over and her playroom is always clean.”
-“The Morrisons have spotless counters. You can see their backsplash! We’ve got to put all this away. I don’t care where it goes.”
-“I will never hear the end of it if the neighbor walks in and sees THIS. They already get on my case about the bikes and pads on the porch.”
-“What will they think of me if they open the laundry room?”
-“Karina minimalized her house, but when I get rid of stuff, it always comes back. I fail at everything I try. We just need a new house.”
-“Im a working mom, there’s already so much judgement about my parenting, the kids rooms have to be perfect.”
-“No one can ever know that I don’t have it all together.”
That voice. It’s mean and it cuts to the quick. She knows just how to find your fear. But we all hear her. Did you know that? All of us hear that little voice of perfection in our ear. And when you peel back the layers, she says the same thing in a million different ways. “You are not enough. And because you aren’t, you won’t be loved.” We all hear her… and she, is a liar. The hard part is when you become a mom, its not just about your job or your appearance or if you have an "approved” partner, you have now multiplied your representation. You have an extension walking around gathering more judgment for you! Times that by the number of kids you’ve got an the math adds up to a truckload of mama guilt. And to be honest, I don’t think it happens to the dads. If a kid shows up with messy hair and dirty clothes to school, or grandmas house, who do we immediately judge? Mom. Its always mom. Cause if it was just dad at home, we feel sorry for him. Yeah, of course you don’t have it all together. Poor guy. You are trying to do it all and you’re a hero. Well shoot. I don’t disagree with that statement one bit! Do you? Hold on. Let me say it again. Except this time, Im talking… to you. You are trying to do it all, and you’re a hero. Why don’t moms get that same empathy and understanding? Why are we supposed to be robots that are perfect in every way? We aren’t! “Stepford Wives” was a warning not an example. I refuse to be a robot. And I won’t let you slip away either. You are not mechanical parts. You are living, breathing, woman. A woman who’s needs never changed, she just forgot to listen to them. A woman who keeps getting up when she falls, and gives it everything she’s got. Because it’s not just about her anymore.
Now, let’s see if the Ghost of Comparison haunts you in your home. Close your eyes, and let’s take a tour.
-When you walk in the front door, what do you usually see there? Maybe, shoes, jackets, bags, boxes? What greets you when you come home? Does it upset you? What are the words you say to yourself about it?
-Tell me about the family room. What do you see? Maybe, blankets & pillows that were used and left disheveled, remotes, controllers, cables, wrappers, cups… more shoes? What stops you here when you consider sitting for a moment to rest? How does it feel? What are the words you say to yourself about it?
-Now the kitchen. What do we see here? Are the counters spotless and everything put away? Do you feel like you could pour a great cup of coffee and blissfully enjoy it, right there? Or would you be reminded of all that still needs to be done here? What are the words you say to yourself in the kitchen?
-How about the kids bathroom. Can someone just pop by for a second and use it? You totally cool with that, without doing a once over? Theres no toothpaste smears, or dirty hand towels, the hand soap is full and the toilet was flushed, plenty of toilet paper on the roll. The bath towels are hung up in a glorious, fresh, fluffy row. The earth friendly shower soaps and toys are exactly where they are supposed to be, all neat and tidy. It actually sounds like angels when you open the door. Ahhhhhhh! What? No? Hmmm. How does that feel? What are the words you say in here? I bet your friends kids bath is perfect, isn’t it? (uh-uh. It isn’t)
-What about the kids bedrooms? Is the bed made with a lovely, coordinated decor bedspread? What’s on the floor? Toys, shoes, clothes of unknown cleanliness status? Trash and recycle in the bin or strewn everywhere? Wait, what? The bath towel is WHERE? Staaaaahp. How does this room feel? What do you say to yourself in here? Who do you think about as you pick up and sort through the kid clutter? Or do you yell at your kid to do it? That feels great.
-Now your room. Tell me about this space. Is it the one sanctuary you’ve got? A space you can come to and hide in? Do you have a special chair or spot that begs you to sit down here, and take a moment for yourself, just staring out the window, thinking about nothing but the trees for a second? Is it free of all traces of children accoutrement, like a real, grown up place? Free of bills and paperwork, no full laundry baskets waiting to be folded and put away. Is this the one place you can breathe in? Did you splurge on crisp cotton sheets that make you so happy you want to cry when you crawl into bed and when you greet the day? Do you have the bed pillows just the way you like them? Do they tell you “Yeah, I know it’s only 2 pm, but you could use a nap, come on over and sink in.” If not, how does your room feel? How do you want it to feel?
Ok, Im on my way over right now. You’ve got 4 minutes before I arrive. What emotion waves over you? Joy or utter fear? What do you do first, put on the teapot and set the table, or frantically pick up as fast as humanly possible and shove everything out of sight?
Its ok. You are not alone. And right now, is when you get to decide if you will allow that Ghost of Comparison to keep haunting you. Because no one has it all figured out. No one is doing it all alone. They’ve got a trade off, and you just can’t see it. So take a deep breath and begin to focus on what matters to you in your soul and your home, and let go of what doesn’t. Because the only one who can set you free, is you.
My journal reflection:
My hard moment. If kids can hear this please pause until they can’t cause I am not gonna be “the person" and I will try to be vague… It’s December, and we celebrate Christmas. I don’t know as a parent the day your child demands the answer from you and you can’t redirect, is ever a good day. Well, this is the first year, after that. And it’s not going down easy. There is a certain shattering that happens when you work so hard to give your kids something you believed mattered. To keep magic, joy and wonder alive, not only for them but for yourself. It’s a hard tumble down. I got a text message from my son when I was doing errands, saying he wished I had never done any of it. I tried to go into the store but the tears wouldn’t stop. I crawled into the back seat of my car instead, and lay there, sobbing. Why is it so hard when you give so much, to be told they wish you hadn’t? When you scrape things together for years, and do your best, exhausted, broke, and like a zombie trying to just get some coffee on xmas morning because instead of dreaming of sugar plums, you never actually went to bed that night. All that wasn’t wanted? Ugh. Kids are hard. They know just what to say to get you right in your core. Some days they just about break you. But if I have learned anything after 17 years of parenting, is that moms are resilient as heck. We keep on going, no matter how hard it is, or how bad it hurts. And that may just be our super power.
The song for today is:
“Everywhere Ghosts Hide”, by Erin McCarley & UNSECRET. Because what would a ghost podcast be without an appropriate song?! This one isn’t bouncy. It actually makes me want to roll around and kinda rub my face on things like a cat.
Find this and all the songs I mention in this podcast on my Spotify, Listening Closely, playlist. Get the link at awakenyourinterior.com/resources It’s also where you can download your own printable journal.
Today’s song has a slow mysterious build. Notice how your body responds to it. Notice which parts of your body are called by it. Those are the parts that you will let lead you today. Starting in a seated position, you will work your way as slowly as possible to your back, but I want you to take as many detours as you can, letting whatever part of you is feeling the pull, go first and the rest of you follows. I will tell you what I am doing, but remember, this time, you are letting YOUR body lead you. The only goals, go slow, and let your body lead you into different positions. And when I say slow, I mean dripping honey slow. If you think you’re slow enough, cut it down by half that speed. Find the pleasure in the journey today.
(Movement focus: shifting from seated to back, and back again)
Soulwork for today:
Write down how you currently feel in each space in your home. Write down what you say to yourself in each of those spaces. Are there certain things that trigger those emotions for you? Now write what you want to feel like in each of the spaces.
Thank you so much for spending time with me today. I know how hard it is when it seems like there isn’t any to spare. But you showed up today. You put yourself on the list and I celebrate you. As you move through your day, keep your soul work assignment in mind and before starting bedtime routine, while the kids are brushing their teeth, grab your journal and fill in the prompts. Keep going. You can do this.
Know another mom who needs to put themselves on the list too? Please share the love, because we are stronger together.
Until tomorrow. Lots of love.
Tasha